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You probably never meant for it to happen. However, once you fell in love with someone else other than your spouse, things got rather intense.
Some are honest enough with themselves that they know step-by-step how everything came to be as it is now. Others have more difficulty, their mind confused because what they are doing is so contrary to what they believe and value. Some feel that God sent them their soul mate. Underlying vulnerabilities very likely made the new relationship possible. My work with thousands of married couples in crisis indicates that this is exactly the case. If you suspect your spouse of having an affair, take the Affair Test after reading this article to get a good idea if your fears are justified.
Your desire is to have, not to hurt. There may be an exception to that if you feel that your spouse has been unkind or hurtful. If so, that degree of negativity toward your spouse probably increased its intensity after your affair began. If you choose short-term, you may decide to end your marriage for your lover. The intensity of your present emotions may make that the choice that seems most likely to make you happy.
Consequences involving your family, your children, your friends, your religion, your personal beliefs and values, and your spouse. Nearly everyone who makes that decision figures that because of they are deeply in love with someone else, everything balances out in the end. In the ecstasy of new love people overlook flaws, quirks, and problems in the other or in the relationship.
You will discover that Cinderella and Prince Charming exist only in fairy tales. All the rest of us are flawed and at times hard to live with. Repeatedly those who left their spouses for a remarkable love come to me after a few years and say they wish they could do it all over again.
They would look deeper into their hearts to see that their beliefs and values are part of their very identity and realize that to live in contradiction to them would lead them to become someone quite different than they were. What do you honestly, at the deepest level of your being, expect it to be ten years from now if you abandon your marriage, maybe destroy another in the process if your lover is married as well , and violate your core beliefs?
Based on my observations of and work with thousands of people, I can tell you from a purely logical, statistical, vantage point, that it is extremely unlikely. If you wish to learn how to overcome the deep emotion you currently feel for your lover and find the way to have a fulfilling marriage with your mate, we can help.
Please get more information by completing the form below or by calling us at Hi…thanks for the info. I been married for fifteen years. I have strayed online and met a woman I am falling in love with. I am stuck between rock and a hard place.
I want this woman so bad! Shes from another country and wants to fly here to be with me. I have two children also.
We understand your situation because we see it everyday at Marriage Helper. My advice is to give us a call at And if possible, we would love to see you and your wife at one of our workshops for marriages in crisis.
In the next couple of weeks we will also have a great video series that Joe put together for spouses in your situation. It will be extremely valuable in your decision making process.
Let us know how else we can help! We both share the same passions and we have a friendship like none other. I love my wife, but I think, that we are going different, ways and we clash a lot. I am sooooo lost!!! I am so sorry you are going through this.. We know how difficult your walk in this journey is as well. However my best friend and I are feeling all the urges to be together. Shes been married 30 years and happily but somehow her and I fell in love.
Both of us know we can never be together but we both are also madly in love with eachother. How to we escape the deep love and just be friends? She asks me for poetry and short stories of romance and I give them to her. I was in a terrible marriage for 20 years no intimacy at all no love and I feel this is why I have fallen in love with her and then she me. Ed, I understand the intense emotion that you feel for this woman.
I also know how in nearly every case these situations turn out. However, it will not last in the same form it is now. When it does, people look around and wonder what happened…how they gave up so much for this new relationship that seemed to be the ideal…and how that beautiful dream evolved into a nightmare.
More than 20 years experience working with couples tells me that if you pursue this new woman and lose your wife of fifteen years, you will come to regret it. Think of it like this…take all the passion your fee for the new woman now and multiply it by a factor of ten but in a negative direction. Send us an email to Johnny. Kenya, I recommend that you head over to our podcasts section and listen to some of them.
We have quite a few that speak to what you are feeling and going through. I am in the same situation. I met this girl who is 18 yrs younger than me and I am starting to fall for her.
Ed, we have a new program that may interest you. We hope you can check it out and we believe it can be extremely helpful to you. Its seems like every thing is perfect. We like all the same things.. He never wants to do anything. He says that he tired from work all the time. He has physically hit me. I already have two children with my husband. My husband has left our home. But comes there everyday. What should i do?
Grass is not green on the other side. Make things right with your wife. What if she did that to you? Talk to your wife and maybe you can work it out together. You guys both have to work at it. If you have a physical connection with this women you will ruin your family and make yourself more confuse. Nothing not good forever you will come across other problems with this other women once you really get to know her.
You were once in love with your wife and probably still love her but not in love. Give your family a chance. Cut ties with that woman and focus on your family and exercise maybe join a gym with your wife find the spark that was once there.
If you are ready to fully go. Think about this are you ready to see your wife with someone else loving her and your kids. Hi…I am married 15years now. I took it very bad at that time and gave him. Everything went well but I think about it every day. The last 1year I became very talkitive to a friend of my husband that knows about the affair my husband had as he was there the night I confronted the women.
The last 3 weeks we called. We decided to meet last Thursday just for. But he kissed me and I kissed back aboy 3 times. I walked away cause I dont believe in cheating as it hurts so much. But I cant stop thinking about him and think I have not felt like this for. I can turn around and he want more of.
I told him that the kiss just drove me more md but I never returned. I live abiut km away but work close by every 2 week. I play the kissing over and over in my head. What should I do? My husband on the other hand I can see is trying to change but there are still so much lies from. Imagine the first girl you ever loved — how your emotions were so strong. And then over time./p>
Im certain, he missed the growing up of our child. Now, our son is three years old and during those short times my husband had a strong bond with our child. Likewise with the kid who always asks for his father. And it seems, my husband forgot everything from the past and treated me good. But i am more on off. I was always confused with him. I even remembered my ex and thought i was still inlove with him. I cried for my ex even i already have a husband.
Now, Im talking to a guy online for a month now. And i developed a certain degree of attraction to him. But im not certain if the feeling is mutual. However, he said he likes me though im difficult. Im excited about the idea. I always thought about this new man. I even began writing to my diary again because i was alarmed that i felt so vulnerable with this stranger.
Now, I know what we have or will have is a different concern and not the most important thing here. My confusion is about me and my husband. I really wanted to be free but i do not know how to start saying it to him. And my son, i dont want him to get hurt and drag to this hurtful situation. He loves his father so much. But i cant feel anything with my husband now.
No connection at all. I will start with me. I think I have a problem with relationships in general because I get this emotional affairs nothing physical even in my previous relationships… So the story with my husband. Everything happened very quickly I fell in love and everything was perfect , however after one and half year of marriage something went wrong and we became very cold with each other its like we didnt care for each other and then he cheated on me.
We split up for a while, then we decided to try and fix our relationship. We did it for a while 2 years and now Evrrything is repeating i found someone that I really like, he is smart and we click together perfectly however.. How do I fix this? Is marriage all about fixing things all life. But nothing seems right anymore.
Hi, my name is Ryan and I have been with my wife for 12 years now. I have been with her since I was 15 and we just got married a few months ago. In the 12 year I have never cheated on her or even thought about it. Our relationship is good but there is a problem. Back when I was in high school I had fallen for a girl in my class.
We would talk on off and on but had no physical contact. We lost contact for a few years and in that time she had a kid and was in an unhappy relationship. We started talking again a few years ago still no physical contact and my wife then girlfriend found out. After she found out I stop talking to the girl and moved on. Well she is back and I have been talking to her again dally and I have been meeting with her here and there still not sexual contact but I can see it going that way.
Due to this I have been shutting out my wife who is causing her to be more suspicious and causing us to fight a lot more. There is no perfect relationship…every marriage has its own unique set of obstacles. Many people leave their husbands or their wives because stronger feelings pull them to another relationship…but when they get to that other relationship, the majority of the time it ends very badly. We have some great tools and programs on our website for situations just like yours. I have been with my wife for 17 years, and married for We have a four year old son together.
She is an alcoholic, pill popper, and suffers from depression. Her family sucks, and has always made her and our life very hard. She probably would have moved on to someone new even if you had. I am sorry if that seems harsh, but we have seen it time and time again. It may seem cliche at this point, but it is not too late to make your marriage stronger and healthier and start treating each other with respect. I am married for 23 years now, with a loving wife and 2 children.. It was love at first site.
I used to wait for her every day, follow her upto to her college and back. She is to take a bus and go to her village 20km away. Sometimes I used to follow her upto her house on my mobike. I am from India. I was totally shattered and heart broken and felt, I can never get married in my life. The time was too short, probably 2 odd months, after I saw her. Some consolation was, she was to be married in a good family, so I felt happy for her.
It was a hopeless situation for me caste wise, no job, no social standing, Indian social conditions, etc etc. But she stayed in my heart and she will, till I die.
Now in , after 24 years or so, my friend called and put her on the phone. He is from her same village and married her friend 2nd marriage.
I always used to think, I should somehow see her atleast once before I die and tell her, I truly loved her. But this phone call has given such happiness to me, I could not believe it.
From that time, we kept in touch over the phone. Twice we have met, only to talk. She had a bad marriage, with 2 children. Her husband kind of sadist lives away. The connection is, only their property. We talk mostly about our children and my wife also. She suffers from kidney stones, some health problems…she falls ill and accident prone too.
I keep sending her money whenever she says, she is ill. Whatever, it is not possible for me to take her out of my heart, as I truly love her. I never felt that feeling with anyone and never will…I still vividly remember the place I saw her for the first time and all the places I saw her, spoke to her and everything…Whatever she says, is very important to me and I simply cannot forget.
I told my mother at that time when I fell in love with her and now, after I met her again. I made her to speak to my mother also… I am in different country now. I feel very guilty and painful. My wife loves me and cares for me a lot and she is emotionally attached to me. I take good care of her too and seeing her happy is my top priority. After stumbling upon these blogs, thought I would write also.
I really wonder if somebody is in the same strange situation and fighting like me…. Pavan, many people are in your situation. You are not alone. These articles are culminated from years and years of experiences with thousands of people.
And we have seen the outcome of these situations. For those that stay with their wife, they can make their marriage better than it was before. For those who leave with their lover, we have never seen that relationship make it. Things seemed so great. We dated only a few months before we ended up pregnant. We were arguing a lot so he felt that was the best solution. At this point I had already started dating someone my current fiance and at this point my passion for this new man was strong as expected in every new relationship.
Also this new man has been there for me, my rock, my shoulder to cry on. So I gave the ultimatum. At this point he gave me a ring but his lack of proposal has always bothered me as I know the only reason he gave it to me was to pacify me a Hail Mary if you will.
My son and I now live in his house. The father of my child and I have gone through a really vicious custody battle, fights, and now are friends again. It took some time to get there and I lot of talking and forgiveness on both of our parts. I wonder if we would have worked it out and we would be the happy family I wanted. When I see my son and his father together, I am just in love. He always promises to get better but never does. He loves me unconditionally.
He was there for me when I had no one else. These and so many other reasons are why I wanted to marry him and pushed so hard to get him to propose. Actually, it makes me downright angry.
I feel less attracted to him and we have almost no sex because of all of this. He always promises to change and to do better but never follows though not for more than a day or two anyway.
That he wishes that he had done things differently and that he wonders what would have happened if we had tried to work things out. He said that it bothers him that I moved on before we got the chance to find out. What I need to know is do I try to work on the issues in my current engagement and strengthen it and build it into a good marriage? I am a very emotionally aware person and I am also very open about my emotions. Nicky, there seems to be a lot going on.
You can reach him at His name is Johnny, and he would love to speak with your more about what we can offer for you. I always wanted to get married but he was never ready for marriage until after I made physical changes to my body. I fell in love with someone else during one of our many break ups. Even though I married him I never let go of this other person and soon after I married my husband I started having an affair with this other man.
I do love my husband but now I feel like I jumped on getting married when he finally wanted to! I believe he finally wanted to marry me cause he knew I would soon be snatched by someone else with my new confidence in myself. I feel like I made a huge mistake! Is it worth considering counseling? Yes, you should definitely consider counseling and receive further help.
There are many issues going on, and I would suggest that you understand what is going on with you and with your relationship before making any large decisions.
Six months before I took decision to marry a girl of my parents choice because I could not tell my feeling to a girl whom I liked. I wanted to move on.
My marriage was fixed with the girl which my parents chose, but I wanted to delay may marriage for about six months so that we me and the girl chosen for me know each other better before getting married. But her parents wanted the marriage to happen as soon as possible. I talked to this girl and explained my concern and what I feel. I told her that we should spend some time together before getting married.
She agreed at that time but she changed her mind after one day. She and her parents wanted to marry their daughter as soon as possible. But I insisted them that we must first know each other before getting married but in vain. They also pressurized my parents for early marriage through my grand parents. During this time me and the girl whom i wanted to marry became close. I need help badly.. She has been with her bf since she was 13 years old she is now James, what you are describing are definitely signs of limerence.
I suggest that you look at some of the articles on the website about limerence. We only knew each other for about 6 months before we got married. I look forward to going to work so I can spend time without him. And that just leaves me and him, alone, in a somewhat dark building. At first I thought it was sweet and i felt safe with him there but then we started flirting and now all I can think about is being with him. And at the end of the night I hate to leave him. But my husband is no longer the guy I think about when I go to bed or the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning.
This other guy makes me so nervous, in a good way. I just wish this feeling would go away. They seem to only get stronger. Please, can you give me some kind of advice as to what to do? Like I said, I love my husband but did we get married too quickly?
I highly advise that you listen to this podcast and read this other article. It will give you a deeper understanding of what is going on. Also, we can help you. We can help you see what is going on and how to feel that way about your husband again. Our Marriage Helper representative, Johnny, would be happy to talk through this with you. His direct number is I met someone 4 years now. We both worked at the same company however everything you would want in a man he does.
He is breaking it slowly to his wife about a divorce however I am wondering if i am doing the correct thing. I would not want to wreck someone home to build mine. There are a couple of things going on here. First of all, the fact that you are questioning your relationship with this man shows that you realize that what is happening should not be happening.
Since you have read this article, you have some sense of what limerence is and how it works. It eventually fades, and all of the people in the path of the disaster are devastated by what happened.
Also, if he is wanting to leave his wife when things get hard, then that gives a pretty good indication that he would do the same thing with you.
You already know that you would have to live with the guilt and the downfall of his marriage. We were falling for each other before they were married but nuerther of us spoke up.
I know the devastation behind cheating as I have been on the other side. I also know that he is a good person and if or when eventually faced with the consequences of this how damaging it could be to him. Any feed back is greatly appreciated. He did decide to go into his marriage, and he made a commitment to his wife. His continuing in this affair will eventually deeply hurt his marriage and have very negative effects for years to come. The best thing that you could do at this point is end the relationship.
It will not only be helpful for him, but it will benefit you greatly in the long run. And you deserve more than that. You deserve a relationship with a man who is committed to you and only you. If we can help you with any more of this, please contact us. My wife started having an affair 6 months ago. I didnt find out til november that it wasnt just a friendship.
There were so many lies it was insane. She tried to leave me without me knowing about it or finding out which cause me to look at the way ive been acting for the entire 9 years of marriage triggering real changes in me emtionally. We have a 3 year old boy and my beliefs of having a strong household are even more strong than ever. She pretty much bailed out of our marriage and blames me for her coworker affair. I have been pleading to work things out and gave her forgiveness which is probably the wrong way of trying to save our marriage.
Whats even worse is that all her anger and hatred for me became too intense and I moved to another state with family to try to get my mind together. Now that im doing alright but not good. She is no longer seeing or talking to the other guy. She says she wants nothing to do with either of us which sounds crazy to me since im the one who has been married to her for 9 years and have a child with her. All I want to do is work my way back into her heart and prove myself I am indeed a different man.
Even more difficult is her and my side of the family know everything which reinforces her desicion. I am extremely lost and have no idea what to do anymore. I recently voiced that it was wrong for her to put me in the same category as the other guy cause it was not my fault. Other day she texted me asking if I was alright.
I am super confused and all I want to do is tell her how much I love her but I know thats stepping backwards.
Oscar, while pleading does not work, giving forgiveness and reminding your spouse of your love for her is a good thing to do. We actually have a whole video series called Marriage Recovery that goes step by step through exactly what to do when your spouse has been involved in an affair but wants out of the marriage.
It is extremely helpful and gives detailed advice. Reading all the comments has been extremely useful, thank you for that already. Hope you can provide some advice for my case as well. I am not yet married, but am thinking about doing it with my bf.
He loves me a lot and sees the rest of our lives together. He would like to have kids, etc. All in all, rationally thinking, I have never met someone who would make such a logical match for me. Sex is average, yet everything is stable — I know that it shouldnt get worse. There has been no change in my attitude for several years already. On the other hand, there is another guy, which I have known for a bit longer and have romantic feelings towards to.
We were together for a year and still meet from time to time. He is single divorced years ago. So in the end I am continuing my life on the rational path, yet I end up thinking a lot about two topics. The first one — should I completely cut out the second guy from my life? Katie, there are a couple of things to think about here. From your post, I cannot tell if you have been seeing the second man while also dating your boyfriend.
However, if you are not satisfied with your relationship with your boyfriend now, it will not change by marrying. In fact, at times in marriage, things will seem worse.
Sex will become stagnant. You already mentioned some concerns you have, and it could be that you are in limerence with that man. I would advise to start by being honest with your boyfriend, talk openly about the issues present, and see what happens from there.
Talk all the time. We have never had sex, but we lay together, naked, in her bed and we do everything else except for sex. I want it bad and I believe she does too. I am in love with her, but she only likes me right now. Sometimes I want to break it off and sometimes I want to get a divorce and be with her.
Then, I would have to join the Mormon church. The signs that she is giving definitely point to her not being serious about a relationship with you. Even if you divorced your wife to be with her, the odds are stacked that she still would not marry you.
Once the uncertainty of whether or not they can be together, they start seeing all of the issues with the relationship and it inevitably ends. The fact that she is sleeping with another man also shows that she is not interested in a relationship. There are many things to consider before putting 21 years of marriage aside.
The firate few months went wonderfully then all of a sudden everything just started falling apart. A few months ago I met a guy who i worked with. The truth is every relationship takes work. You are probably experiencing the beginnings of limerence with this man at work…which will eventually fade. That is why commitment and continually working on your marriage is so important…and takes work.
If you want to avoid a lot of heartache, it would be best to stop spending anytime with this other man. In fact, it would be best to change jobs to avoid any and all temptation. Work on your marriage before things get worse. He was amazing, caring, a wonderful father to our child. But something was missing. I got promoted at work and went to another location to train.
Where I had met someone. And one thing led to another. I ended up having an affair, this affair has lasted almost 8 months. You are really vacillating between your lover and your spouse. There are a lot of things that you desperately need to consider and look at before making any decision. In fact, we have a free e-book that might help you out some.
You can download it here: Hi, i have been in a relationship for about 5 months now. I am married and so is he. We both have kids. We have both been married for many years. I do love this person and I feel he loves me as well. Neither one of us want to hurt our spouse , children, or family. I do know that my spouse has been very rude and hateful to me for the last several years. We went months maybe even years with no I love you.
I really felt his love for me was gone. I feel this had something to do with my decision to have this affair. Now I love this other man and have no idea where to go from here. I highly, highly suggest that you talk to our Marriage Helper representative, Johnny. He will be able to tell you more about the options that we have to help you think about all of the things going on right now in your life.
We also have a five part video series all online called Decision Point. You can download that here: You can contact Johnny directly at I hate him he has put his hands on me 4 times. I sometimes think its because he was drunk then. But emotionally we have no connection.. And it was just me then.. When school started for the kids. We both have kids that ride the bus too school and back home.
We would say hi talk.. So anyway my friend talk to the guy that i sometimes speak to find out he has been interested in for a while.. Ive been seeing him since beginning of December..
If you took the other man out of the picture, as if you had never met, then do you believe your marriage is salvageable? If so, then you need to work on your marriage. I know there is a lot of hurt and pain that has caused you to think negatively about him, but people who are in love with someone else also tend to rewrite history. If you are rewriting history, then you could be making a huge mistake. If your husband is genuinely a good man doing a bad thing, then this can work.
If you need help figuring that out, then I highly suggest you check out this ebook on how to choose between lover and spouse: Im in a similar situation. But im the lover. Everyone who knows this woman knows that her marriage has been toxic almost the full 10 yrs they have been together.
As a matter of fact. He was actually still married to his last wife when he married her. Hes very controlling, untrusting, and isolates her from everyone including her family. We started dating against my better judgement. We moved in together and both of us were the happiest wed ever been.
We both got all the attention that we never had from anyone in past relationships and we were in love. Her 2 children were even happy. Then over the past few months something would hit her and shed wonder if she was doing the right thing.
Theyd try to fix it and id step out but it never lasted more than 3 days and wed be back together. Anyway, 3 weeks ago they decided that they were gonna really try hard one last time.
She left me he left his new gf and now hes more controlling and isolating than ever. Well last week we had found a way to meet before work and had sex almost everyday.
But she wasnt going to ask me to wait. I finally became impatient and upset with being on the side and having to sneak around and got angry and threatened to tell him. The thing is I know in a couple weeks shell be missing me again. I am at the point where im starting to believe it is time though.
As much as it hurts. I forgot to mention that the divorce is already in process. They were about to go to mediation but she put in on 3 month hold to try to work it out. He has 5 altogether.
Hey, my name is Bianca I am 24 and I got married June 13, w It has not been great. I thought I really wanted a Thug for a man but I guess I am cheating myself. I met this guy he has a good heart he goes to church, he does not get in trouble he chooses the right rode… We just met but It seem like I been knowing him forever.
My husband might go crazy if he found out but idk what to do anymore I love my husband but I am afraid I am gonna get the same results when he come home…. I wnt separation as there is one guy with whom I feel emotional connection and wnt to spend life aid him. Elly, Before you leave your marriage for this other man, I hope that you make sure you are not just leaving your marriage and replacing it with something instead of working out your problems. Otherwise, you will eventually face problems with this new guy, and when that happens, what are you going to do?
Are you going to leave him, or try and work it out? I am in love with a married man who is 15 years my senior. We have been in a relationship for almost 2 years. He gets the best of both worlds. Me, his young, fun, exciting, sexy and engaging girlfriend and the wife who has been with him for 25 years but is old, boring and frumpy however she is stable and secure and he knows what to expect from her.
He has strong feelings for me. In fact I do believe we love each other. However, he is afraid to leave the comfort and security of his long term marriage for me. I am still considered a risk for him even though he loves me. He is afraid to walk away from her. Afraid to change his life, especially nearing his retirement years. He is also afraid to destroy his family unit..
So he has continued to live a double life and it has been stressful for him… and for me. As you can imagine, having these feelings and wanting to be with each other but knowing it will never go anywhere… is hard. It is heart breaking. It is this endless roller coaster ride of getting close and then pulling away. It is the most joy and euphoria I have ever felt and yet sometimes the deepest pain and most lonely I have ever been.
We cannot let each other go. He has walked away from me three times already only to come back. I think it is almost like an addiction. We are addicted to the feelings we get from each other and the incredible sex is just a by product of the chemistry we share. We always ask each other if we did go legit, if that chemistry would eventually fade in the light of real life.
So here we are doing our best carrying on in this fantasy where we each get the best of each other. The feelings are so intense and over whelming and to go from that high to the pain of having to let that go is impossible. From euphoria to emptiness. It is important to forgive, but to never forget. About a decade later, I gave another shot at being in a relationship. We liked each other, but there was no love.
I think was expecting too much. In fact she was too intelligent for me on a social and logical level. When my work ran out, I moved again, thinking that I loved her.
She asked not to be contacted, but I would have liked to at the least keep a friendship going. Single, 35 years old female, educated and good job. As a woman I do not understand this. I am not sure what woman would accept a man being continuously unemployed and doing little about it.
I still looked past it and stayed positive. I am shallow and admit it. If I can make time to look good for you, then I feel you can try to look good too.
For the men who replied saying they are good guys but think they are unattractive, you can change that. One reader posted that all the good ones are taken, this is true because those men have lives in order and want to move to the next phase.
The remaining ones do nothing to change, look like cavemen, or is a whore. Nobody wants a dictator. My problem is that all the women within my age range are either divorced with children, or have children. It is one thing to have preferences, but nobody wants someone telling someone what to do. Of course I get the weirdos and the garden variety creeps.
Like people with staring problems. There is this old saying I learned long time ago, steer clear from the ladies staring at you as they are looking for lust, and unclean. I am destined to be alone, period. People do so much to tick me off on a daily basis, in fact my head would explode if I tried. I keep trying and failing. Lots of sex and lots of dates but nothing solid. I have no idea why. I wish I could secretly interview all these women to find out why am I always used as the boy toy and never a potential partner.
And sometimes if we look real closely we might find we have higher expectations for our partners than we do for ourselves! Not saying you in particular, but a lot of people, a lot of the time. But what about many of us Single people that really hate to be Alone? And i am sure a lot of the other men and women out there would certainly agree with me too. Really meeting the right person is very hard nowadays since the Divorce rate is so out of control now, unlike years ago when many men and women did make their marriage work.
But otherwise, single people have no idea what that phrase means. Having spent most of my adult life single i know all the difficulties that come with it. But i firmly believe some people are really better off remaining single for their sake and the sake of those they become involved with. I always knew i was self-centered but thought i could change when i got married. Not long ago during a fight he told me i was the most selfish person he had ever met. That was quite a blow. While he is no picnic basket he does give to others more than i do.
I know i have compassion for the less fortunate but never learned to be a very giving person, or at least it would seem. In any relationship you have to give a lot. Make sure you are ready. You know, it was stated that a bad routine of work and staying in is almost a fault of our own making. My ex lives four states away and only sees our kids every other weekend. I have no interest in bringing a bunch of men around my kids and as a single mother; I am barely able to keep up with work, a household and all the demands of my children.
It means that every other Friday night if I am not working a 6th or 7th day for the week , I am dying to put my feet up with that glass of wine and put the TV on. Not because I am avoiding intimacy, but more because in those moments, I have no demands put on me.
So, I ask this question- where and does a person that is genuinely exhausted meet someone else that has just as much on their plate to share this insanity called life with? I like the idea of being in love and having a relationship, but the theory is different from reality. I think I am lucky to be divorced. Each day that goes by I am stronger being single. I am not alone — I have kids, family, friends… even my ex-wife is a part of my life now, just in a different and limited way.
Was she impossible to please? Some say she was pretty demanding and unwilling to compromise… Or was I putting too much effort into the wrong things? Did I just miss the boat entirely? I am going to enjoy this summer, free from what felt like a whole lot of work and frustration only to have an unappreciative audience at the other end of it.
And connecting with the right person for us is very Difficult for us right now, especially for us Good men looking for a Good woman to settle down with. I think that some people want to have ralation but dont know about true contact and what say and how say first time. I think am just ugly. My height has also contributed. Otherwise some of us wish we had them. I used to be very successful at dating until I was 26, and after that, everything went downhill quickly.
Today with almost 31 years old, I have been years without dating, except from maybe a date every 9 months, after which the girl usually wants to know nothing about me anymore. Maybe they are right. With so many very high maintenance women out there these days it certainly makes it very hard for us good single men meeting a good decent one today.
I found this really helpful. I am still lost but mostly because i cant tell which or how many of these are the true cause of my problem. I am only 17 and am by no means dying for a relationship but i was begining to think that there may be smothing wrong with me. I have always been a little more observant than other kids and when i was in the first grade and girls where already fighting over guys t date i was disgusted. I began to think i was aromantic or asexual and that maye i was better off with just friends.
The problem is most people are selfish and self-entitled. Hi, My situation is weird I read some comments who would agree with me. But, nobody shows interest in me the way I wanted — serious relationship! To find someone suitable for you, is to find someone who shares the same things as you not everything, can be a couple of things , wants the same things in life as well.
For the most part why relationships break, is lack of proper communication nagging adds stress to partners , lack of common interests and always giving negative energy. When I find guys, I am looking for common interests, hobbies, views on certain things, something that complements my life and vise versa. The other dating site is way better and more details, 5 categories with percent matches etc.
One more thing, children needs a stay home parent to teach and raise their kids and not strangers, that is why some females are looking for a financially stable men! Yeah I agree with other comments. Sometimes I just sit and think that maybe I will never have a man In my life because I am not attractive,or maybe God wants me to focus on Him.
I always wanted someone to compliment my goals and aspirations. I fall into the category of dating adventagous men. It is amazing that the workforce makes you into someone that must succeed higher than the mom just working to put food on the table or compared to the other single woman whom holds herself as a powerhouse with the boys club. For me being single has been more of a curse than a blessing. I am 26 years old about to 27 next month and I have found that special someone I do see myself with for the rest of my life.
In the beginning we did have something special going but now it has deteriorated due to my lying manipulation and other dumb things I have done to anger her. I grew up being bullied not only at school but at home too. My friend gave me the strength to get away from them for good so I can finally start my adult life. Technically I am single because of the things I have done to hurt my friend and I have to prove to her that I can treat her right.
I am in the process of changing my demeanor how I think act and everything so I can prove to her I can be the man she always dreamed of. By all means I am not looking for any sympathy or people to coddle me. Seriously my parents did enough of that shit to me which made me what I am right now a little pussy. I have found that just I need to get better and change.
Lol this is what happens when you wake up in the middle of the night with your mind racing and once you get to rolling, you trip over yourself. I think relationships are give and take nothing is easy in life. But a miserable relationship is not good once people feel taken for granted the resentment sets in which is the beginning of a downward spiral.
This situation can be just as bad for both men and women. I am a man, 38 years old, and alone and probably will be alone for whatever the remainder of my days are. I was married for 16 years and with her 18 years.
The separation is just over two years and the divorce is just under a year. She held a burning contempt for me for the last ten years as I desperately tried to find a way to make her happy, or at least appeased. Attempting to form and maintain romantic relationships has never been easy for me. It has always been the realm of heartache, embarassment, and pain that I am no longer able to bear. Well dating sites out there make it very tough for us good men looking looking for a good woman to connect with, since many times women will show you what there picture is suppose to look like which it never is.
And so many women these days are very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, and very picky as well which makes it very hard meeting a good honest one that could Accept us for who we really are since many women today do Prefer men with a lot of Money.
There are days I hate being single and days I love it. With that being said I feel the same way you do but towards men. In my case, I strive to be my best, in and out of relationships. I find I do being single better. I personally do not care how much a guy makes. As long as he has a job or career. I prefer a man who has a sense of humor, loves his family, has friends, has his own interest, and money. Because I have a huge heart, some men tend to take advantage of that.
But after a while I just walk away. No one likes to get used. So dating and finding love have many obstacles. But being honest and open help. I have grown children and am working on my goals. So I guess my status is a woman who has a low tolerance for bs, some games can be fun not mind games , and I am happily a work in progress, even at And i will certainly agree with you as well since it is unfortunately a very bad time for finding real love nowadays for many of us especially for many of us good men that just keep meeting the wrong women all the time instead of just one good woman to make us very happy.
Good luck to you as well. I am 29 and a single guy, l am,concerned with myself very close to 30 years of age trying to ask women out but then get no response get rejected, but feel shameful for not finishing my degree earlier than getting a job, by now then l can go and get that lucky girl, but every time l read my news feed on fb my friends are getting engaged and or just got married seeing them holding hands, just makes me jealous, feel l am not good enough or l am to picking, l freaking out.
Please help me what a start work part time and study to go out with a girl but l am not working just frustrated with myself. There are several levels, the bottom is safety, food, etc, then it goes up from there.
Jobs and education fall into a ring below such self-actualizing activities as love, spirituality, etc. That is why a lack of money causes many a break up. I am 42 and widowed for almost 4 years by now. I have to say that I was more content when I was alone by choice than after I resumed dating and experienced all frustrations which come with being single in your 40s and trying to start a new relationship.
Yet these are the two problems that seem devoid of solutions in this article. Neediness works just they way you described it. In reality, men who have none of these qualities are usually the most caring, intelligent, reasonable and trustworthy partners. The confident ones get most quality women because they do not really care whom they are dating. When rejected they just move on and on and on…. Personally, I do not really care about getting a 15th replacement of somebody I initially liked.
So what, I am ready to spend another year alone watching movies. Well, that looks so good on paper, and in the psychology textbooks. I think the reasons are accurate. Unfortunately, the solutions listed are oversimplified. This article really hit home for me. I am tired of being single.
I miss dating and talking with guys and I really want a relationship. I am lonely, I am consumed with loneliness. And I hate it. I see people and I am so envious of them, envious of the fact that they have someone to be with, they have someone to come home to, someone to love and talk with and share their time with, travel with. I miss all of that. And my last relationship was horrible that I am questioning is love and relationships are really worth it.
Is there anyone who is honest and mature enough to be real with me? I became interested in girls when I was 12 years old. That was when I was in the 7th grade. I would always have fun talking to them in school. I would hang out with them too. When I graduated 8th grade, I went to high school and met a lot of very beautiful hot girls. I would ask some of them if they would want to go out with me or go to dances with me. But unfortunately, they all declined. I was so very hurt by them.
It was like, none of them ever found me cute, attractive or good looking. I felt treated and tossed aside like garbage by them. In , I went to another high school. I met someone that I rode to school with. She was very wonderful. In the spring of , we started talking a lot and hanging out a lot too.
When the summer approached, her parents would let come over, visit and spend time with her. I would also go swimming in the backyard pool. Her parents were so good to me. As the years have been passing by after high school, I have been trying so hard to get whet I want.
But every time that I tried, I failed miserably. I really hate being a virgin. My whole life without a girlfriend or a woman to fall head over hills in love with me, my life is complete crap. Friendship with a woman to me, is just not good enough. I have unfriended the women that are in relationships with someone else on fb. Me not having a girlfriend, makes me feel unwanted, unimportant and nothing.
I feel that they have no sympathy and no compassion for me. I gave up on love in July when my exboyfriend dumped me and I got that dumped because I was too Catholic for him. Many people laugh if you tell them premarital sex is a no no, most would never date a virgin, much less a 30 year old one.
I am educated, work, workout, weigh under pounds, look young for my age so it is not my looks that turn the opposite sex off. But the fact I model my life after Jesus Christ and I will not sacrafice my salvation, morals, personal beliefs just to make some guy happy.
So I know as long as I live a biblically grounded life and continue attending mass, I doubt I will ever get married. I can sympathize with your frustration. I have heard the same thing from other people who are very devoted to Christ. I myself, have been abstinent for quite some time after my divorce.
I dealt with hpv and cervical dysplasia and a lot of headaches and heartache for having premarital sex with my ex-husband. He turned out to like having sex with new and different women and being verbally abusive.
I could have saved myself some pain had I done what you are doing. At least you know if you do marry, that you will be marrying someone with good values and a strong faith in Christ. It was a rational choice. People are on edge, afraid to commit and afraid to be emotionally vulnerable because they feel like everyone is playing games or using you.
Ten or twenty years ago life was easier, you could easily find a job. Nowadays is way harder, you have to search a lot and have to have college education and possible extra master degrees in order to beat competition. Children are not taught to love. They are taught to think only of themselves and use other people to meet their needs.
This is very sad and our generation is suffering because of this. Many of you geniuses on this comment section try to come up with all the reasons in the world on why you or certain people stay single. So none of you here are these harmless angels as much as you believe I used to have the same problem. So go out there, put your ego aside, and meet someone. How very likely it is…most here that complain…have totally dumped someone that was very nice, trustworthy, and loyal.
And men too…are guilty of this. But seriously…the truth is…we all want someone nice…most just want the asshole we love to be nice to us. Especially for many of us Good men still looking today. This kind of list is what drives single people, like me, insane! This list is vindictive, condescending and manipulative. Whoever wrote this, I would like them to kindly take this list down before you damage anymore people.
Hi friends Totally agree with the manuscript. I felt empty, worthless, sad, desperate, and dead. I was joblessand single and still am. What can I say! Being lonely really sucks all of your blood and signs of life out of your body. I was even thinking if I could get rid of myself just in my dreams but I said to myself that I am not weak and coward.
But I believe God exists if not who could make such a brilliant body system of human through a pile of mud, blood and meat! I do believe God. We are all the pieces of Gods light and his sign. Hope to be happy and free some day you and I. I have always had a girlfriend since I was I am now However recently we have broken up. Im so deeply depressed about it. So scared that I will end up alone. It drives me crazy.
I have always enjoyed having someone there for me and to share all the times together. Now that is gone and its just me. I hope I grow stronger and become accustomed to being single. But I do not see this happening any time soon. I just dont know what to do with myself anymore. I really hope I find love again or at least a life companion to share things with. Being single sux for me. I sometimes wish I was more like some of you guys on here that it doesnt bother. It would make life so much easier.
I have not been in a serious relationship since I too took the break up so hard that for the next three years after the break up, I gained like 50 pounds over the break! I did lose the weight after I snapped out of it even though today, I am still a single woman. In today society its hard to meet a nice male friend or companion let alone get into a relationship with someone.
I figure God has someone really special that he going to spring into my life one day…hopefully soon!! I believe that the Ukraine has some of the most beautiful women I have ever seen!! I have seen photos of women from the Ukraine who are more beautiful than any woman I have ever seen in the US.
Actually,I have found my match. She is wonderful and beautiful and has a pretty little girl. We are now working to bring our family together in America. I wish you the best in your search and recommend mlagency. Just too many Career women today that are keeping Good men like us Single since it is all about them. Thing is, I believe I have like 5 out of these 8 issues. Especially self esteem, and the overflowing of bitterness. I project myself as kind as can be genuinely chipper at work , but I think my anxiety and self loathing can still be detected.
Or too anti self esteem, it just burrows deeper until I have no idea what to do. Some people stay single because they do not attract the opposite sex like myself a man of 48 that has never had a sexual experience or a girlfriend.
This article fits me for the most part…. I see myself as being unattractive and unsuccessful…. Although I am trying to finish a B. But maybe these are false thoughts? A growing almost hatred of women and people in general…In America you fit in with the heard or die. I moved to Japan after graduation for work when I was It simply never happens. The language and culture barriers are pretty huge for me. There is absolutely nothing I can do or say to change.
Sometimes I feel like I will forever be alone. Stop being so judgemental! That I can do. I will patiently wait for the man who will come into my life. Hi Allison, you sound like you have read my thoughts, communication is the key, was married for 25 years and the most important thing is to communicate to each other on all topics not just your own. I have felt alone for so long I too feel like I will never meet someone who gets me. Anyway thanks for your notes. I guess I need to get over my cynicism.
Most women are really to Blame for many of us Good men still Single today since they have really Changed over these years when there is No Reason at all to Blame ourselves since it does Take Two To Tangle.
And Most of the women that have their Careers now certainly Would Not make a Good Wife at all since it is all about them. This is a devastating article. I have almost if not all of the problems listed here preventing me from entering into a relationship. And worst of all I seem to be passing these to my child as well. I am 38 and single. I was diagnosed with ADD in 6th grade , and I think it wrecked my self-esteem over the years.
It usually ends when I get tired of the sex, or just suddenly feel trapped. The thought of growing old alone is weighing heavy…I stopped drinking and have tired to stop the casual sex… I have not a bit of trouble talking to women in bars, but this one pretty woman who goes to my church whom I think is perfect brings out terror in me!!!
I have been playing catch-up due to my emotional immaturity.. I am sibgke because i WANT to be. I am healthy, well adjusted and better as a single person. I may have times that I date…and when I do I may or may not have sex.
I am a confirmed bachelor. A single father of 18 and 10 year olds. Funny how all of the reasons are negative.
I am 21 and still single for childhood breakup, i dont make girlfriend ….. I dream about having a lover a lot and I get jealous when I see couples out together. It makes me wish every time why am I unloved and unwanted? She or he is so lucky. Who ever wrote this article together with most psychologists are just born to make people feel bad about themselves! Then there are many of us good single men that really should have been all settled down by now with our own good wife and family since most of us that are still single now never expected this to happen to us in the first place.
Its exactly opposite to convincing yourself to be single. If you need sex and dont have partner — go to prostitute, if you need children and dont have wife — adopt someone, if you dont want familuy life — do what you want..
The society will always be there to comment on anything you do — the only way to keep yourself satisfied is doing what makes you happy. It is not a race to find someone as a partner — some find it early, some in mid-life, some later, and perhaps some will never find it. Imagine this, if fear of being single is not present, the whole structure of religion, family, economy developed to provide jobs and feeding family will collapse.
Who will prevent it from collapsing? The ones who believe in it! Basically in our society it is easy to be afraid of being single, and see the advantages of being married if you are single…But try to free your mind, put emotions away for some time, and see a rational picture. And this is definitely a very different time we live in now since back in the good old days real love was very easy to find with no trouble at all either.
And usually when it comes to dating, most women i would say certainly have it much easier than many of us men do. We live in a world now that is so very horrible unfortunately since most men and women just want the very best of all and will never settle for less either.
But when it came to finding love which both men and women Accepted one another for who they were at that time since that was the way it use to be which really explains why it was much easier finding love back then. Today it is all about the money since most women will go for the men that have money unfortunately which is very sad how money changes people for the worst of all due to their greed and selfishness that is now everywhere these days.
It is very sad that many women these days are real Golddiggers since money is very important now for so many women these days which makes it very sad. I think it would be so much better for me, if I just live out the rest of my life as a virgin.
Because, looking for a soulmate on earth, is way too hard. And I have had no success and no experience with women. So there for, when the day comes, when I pass away and leave earth, I will not be suffering! I will not be sad! I will finally be looking for that wonderful woman who will love me very much. And because, I deserve that so much!!
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